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Sent from: zenpride@well.com (Rob Brezsny)
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Permission is granted for *non-commercial*
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include notice of its copyright status.
Real Astrology
is Copyright 1995 Rob Brezsny
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http://www.realastrology.com/
For an expanded weekly horoscope, call
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REAL ASTROLOGY
Week of March 28
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): It'll be a good week to get a nose
job, facelift, or collagen injections, especially if you've
recently escaped from prison or are thinking of starting your
life over in a strange place where no one knows you.
APRIL FOOL! The truth is the exact opposite of what I just
said. In fact, it's never been more important for you to shed
your disguises, spill your obsolete secrets, and triple your
efforts to be who you really are, so help you God.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): Your life this week would provide
lots of rich material for scriptwriters for "The X-Files" and
"The Outer Limits." To get the most out of the strange
phenomena headed your way, I suggest you wear fake fangs,
get a gargoyle tattoo on your forearm, and keep your eyes
unnaturally wide open all the time. This'll ensure that you're
always spookier than the spooks, who will then leave you
alone.
APRIL FOOL! Your life'll be weird all right, but weird
*funny*, not weird *scary*. Your best preparation for this
week's comic horrors will be to don a rainbow fright wig, get
a nose ring with a Barney-the-dinosaur charm dangling off,
and wear your clothes inside-out.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): Forget about getting any help from
anyone. Resign yourself to exploring the primal depths of
self-sufficiency. If you find yourself entertaining the
slightest hope of being rescued or taken care of, switch your
thoughts immediately to Lily Tomlin's advice, "Just
remember, we're all in this alone."
APRIL FOOL! I lied! In reality, you'll be at the hub of a
network buzzing with juicy activity. You'll be a magnet. A
catalyst. A purveyor of inside dope and useful connections. You
need only to imagine the person whose assistance you need
and he or she will call within the hour. Schmooze, baby,
schmooze.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22): I predict that at some time this
week you will be walking down the street when suddenly you
spy a runaway baby carriage skidding into an intersection,
whereupon you will instantly drop the packages you're
carrying, break into a gallop, clamber over a parked car, and
grab the carriage just before it rolls into the path of a bus.
After a TV news show hails you as a hero, a local
philanthropist will buy you a new car, you'll be asked to be the
keynote speaker at a college graduation ceremony, and a VIP
who's always ignored you will suddenly want to be your
friend.
APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said is a total fabrication,
except for one thing: You *will* be a hero (although no one
may know except me and you).
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): Be more polite than you've ever been in
your entire life. Observe all rules and laws--especially the
unwritten ones--with fanatical faithfulness. Spend most of
your time eating microwaved TV dinners while watching
infomercials, shopping for junk you don't need in malls
designed by soulless architects, and working in poorly
ventilated areas with no natural light. Be ultra-civilized!
APRIL FOOL! In reality, Leo, you have a mandate this week
to socialize exclusively with rivers and mountains. I advise
you to schedule a tea party with the moon, and to gossip with
a grove of oaks. Ask a crazy question of the dawn, and tell a
secret to the spring's first butterfly. Be a smart animal.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): It'll be a good week to have a
spotted owl barbecue, to lobby in behalf of huge welfare
giveaways for obscenely rich corporations, and to propound an
anti-abortion position that's merely a disguise for a loathing
of sexual freedom and a fear of women's empowerment.
APRIL FOOL! It's *never* OK to act like I just described,
even if the astrological aspects might render it easy to get
away with. The real fact of the matter is that it'll be a good
week to listen to welfare mothers' dreams, to pray that
fundamentalists are liberated from their grotesque hatreds,
and to lobby for a new law that makes it illegal to own more
than five million dollars.
APRIL FOOLED YOU AGAIN! The even more ultimate truth
about this week is that it'll be a great time to make fun of
your most hallowed beliefs.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22): I predict that this week someone
with whom you were lovers in a past life will dump soup in
your lap. This will lead to a rekindling of your connection and
ultimately result in the two of you inventing technology that
will make deserts bloom all over the world and end food
shortages forever.
APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating. It's true that you will
revive a romantic myth this week. And it's also true that this
could bring fertility back to a wasteland. But I can't say
whether it'll benefit anyone else besides yourself.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21): I predict that you'll quit your job
so you can devote yourself full-time to procuring new
employment as a spy disguised as a prostitute.
APRIL FOOL! Your need to express yourself more creatively
in your work will indeed tempt you to throw your hard-earned
security out the window, but you'll decide against it. Instead
you'll try to subtly revolutionize your current gig.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): This week you'll have
Catholic flashbacks even if you've never been a Catholic. In
your mind's eye, an imaginary nun will smash a ruler down on
your hand everytime you daydream about playing doctor with a
special friend. Furthermore, your flying dreams will always
be interrupted by the arrival of a swarm of starched
archbishops, who'll force you to come down to earth and
comport yourself more sensibly.
APRIL FOOL! This could be one of the most guilt-free weeks
on record. Without breaking the law or sabotaging your future,
you can pull off adventures you've never risked before.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): I predict your hunger will be so
bottomless that you'll gorge yourself with mountains of food,
and as a result you'll gain ten pounds of ugly fat in one week.
APRIL FOOL! The truth is that you will realize your
relentless hunger is spiritual in nature, and can't be satisfied
by mere food. Forced to delve deeper for the meaning of your
insatiable and obsessive feelings, you'll uncover the roots of a
surprising need that you have been suppressing for months.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): Just forget about saving the
world, will you, Aquarius? Please, before it's too late and you
turn into a totally deluded fanatic, dump all your airy-fairy
idealism and give in to being a grunting narcissist like the
rest of us. Haven't you figured out yet that dreams are for
kids, not grown-ups?
APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said is sort of true, but only
for the next two weeks--certainly not after that. Enjoy this
respite from your utopian fantasies. It'll make you a better
rebel when you're ready to bear down and fight for them again.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): This week I predict you'll quit
your job so you can devote all your time to surfing the
Internet in search of the perfect mystical advice that will
cinch your chances of winning the lottery.
APRIL FOOL! In actuality, I predict that though you'll flirt
with wacky schemes to heighten your financial security,
reading my horoscope will immunize you against doing
anything rash or stupid. Instead you'll make a very smart
decision about money.